HOW OR WHY - The liberation of the DJ myth

A few weeks ago I had one of the most beautiful and liberating experiences of teaching Movement Medicine. For those of you who do not know me, or that practice, the shortest way to explain it is that it is one of the what is often called ‘conscious dance practices’, contemporary shamanic practice that supports people to use dance as a tool to access deeper knowledge that exists in each and every one of us. 

At this phase in my life, I feel honoured to say that together with my dear friend Anna Sierpowska, I am holding a Movement Medicine Apprenticeship Program - a year long program where people come to get to know themselves better, to learn the practice and resource themselves, to experience dance as a tool for connection and guidance, and to dance in dance ceremonies - which have been a part of our human way of connection with Spirit since the beginning of times.

And there I was, coming to the second module of the Apprenticeship, flying straight from the Sun Dance at another continent, and really not knowing how I would manage to go from one strong place to another. By now in my life I have realized if I have a strong clear feeling in my heart that I need to do something - no matter how crazy, impossible or intense it may seem - there will be a way. 

And like that coming to the module I was praying for the best possible way, for support for myself while supporting those incredible people, for support for my dear friend I am co-teaching with, for being able to share in a good way what I feel is mine to share. 

Even though at the time of my departure from South America I felt good, strong and confident, a delayed flight which made me miss the beginning, as well as losing my laptop at the airport, finding it later, but not being able to retrieve it before my departure and coming to the module without it, have shaken my trust. 

For those of us who hold spaces in this way, our laptops are one of our tools, our music is a part of our medicine, the preparation is the ground that holds us, and that little digital box contains so much of what we need to do what we do - or that’s what I thought. 

GOING THROUGH THE FIRE 

In my many years of working I have had many moments of ‘going through the fire’, challenges that brought me to my edges and helped me cross it - not always in the most comfortable way. I remember the time when I travelled to another city to hold a space on a magical open air venue and realized I missed the main leads for my equipment. I remember the moment when in a 48 hours long dance ceremony where I was holding the DJ desk supporting for everyone else on the technical aspect, when it was my time to DJ, my DJ program did not work with my controller, and there was no way I could pre-listen the songs I was about to play, and needed to do it all by memory and trust. I remember speakers stopping to work in the middle of the dance and continuing with the drums. There have been many moments where I’ve learned to go through my own anxiety and relax into ‘good enough’ mode. 

But this, no laptop, no months (and for some things even years) of preparation of tools, and practices, no known ways how to do a specific thing, no 7 options of playlists for certain exercice or practice, no music library to find exactly that specific song that can mirror what is happening on the dance floor and take us one step deeper was a whole other level.

So I prayed and I prayed and talked to my friend leading the AP and found enormous comfort in the trust of not knowing how, but it will be possible, leaning into the support of my friend trusting me and leaning into the thought that I wish to see all that is happening as a medicine.

TAKE IT AS A MEDICINE 

As soon as I landed I started becoming aware this situation could be a blessing. Since I was  coming from a strong space of dance prayer it was only appropriate to include who I am after that in the way I am holding the space. It was not about talking about it, it was more about realizing that all the ideas and preparations I had before could not include who I am today. 

And so I decided to forget all the ways I was doing things before and explore how I can do it from who I am and how I am right now. It was kind of like the Spirit giving me a chance for a clean slate, to start very fresh and use only from the past what was woven deep in my bones and my heart, to remember only the things that will be very useful now. 

I don’t think I have ever been in that role with so much trust, vulnerability, so held while holding space, grateful and humble, but clear and precise. Because, you know, what I’ve been learning at those times even more, when we do not have much, we use what we have to the best of our abilities. Less noise, more substance. 

I needed to do all my parts in the whole module from what was within me and what was on my phone, in my voice, my body, my heart and in my drum. It was liberating in so many ways - to see how it feels not to have a screen in between me and the people, regardless of my ways of connecting with people usually, made that heart connection even stronger. To rely on the few things I had on my phone, made my work even simpler. To trust that my friend has got my back in case anything goes south, made my sense of relaxation even greater. To see the moments when the fingers on the phone cannot do the ‘fine tuning’ in the same way as with professional DJ gear, made me love human imperfection even more. And to witness how much there is in me ready to be shared without preparation, made me respect myself, my journey so far, and this practice even more. 

MORE THAN I COULD EVER IMAGINE

I felt that the gift of this challenge was greater than I could understand, and for sure I will be discovering even more in the days to come. 

There is, however, one moment I would like to share with you that blew me away. As we were coming to the end of the module we had a 9 hour long dance ceremony. Ceremonies in this way are a space for exploration, for resourcing, for asking for guidance on how to integrate what was arising during our time together, how to bring what we experience into our everyday life and what are the steps that can support us. As you can imagine, I find that part of our work extremely important. The clearer it is - on every level  - the deeper we can go. Clarity here also means clear structure, clear intention, clear guidance and clear music, even in the technical aspect of DJing, transitions, volume, as well as the choices where we go with the music supporting us. So I even borrowed another laptop to set 2 decks for when is my time to DJ, to have it done the best I could. 

You can only imagine my smile when the lead to the laptop stopped working in the beginning of my round. I managed to catch it right away - regardless of my efforts and desires, it needs to be as simple as possible. So once again I gave it all up, accepted what was and continued with my phone. What happened was beyond my comprehension. In the strongest moment of my round, having time to dance with and for the communities of this world, the time to dare to feel what is and what matters to us, to move with it and move it in our hearts and bodies, and to pray through our dance for what we dream of for this Earth, in that moment still playing through intuition and looking for one specific track on my phone, my finger by accident touched one song that not only I forgot I have, but had no idea what is about. Hearing the beginning, feeling a moment of fear of my ‘mistake’, but seeing how it is starting to land blew me away. That song, that beat, that strength and delicacy at the same time, the melodies and frequencies of what I perceived as the biggest beauties of our human existence, as well as the deepest shadows, took us to the place I would not even be able to imagine. And then I thought - if all of it, all the journey with losing my laptop, all the ways meeting that challenge, all the effort in those days before this moment, if all of that was so that this moment could happen - it was worth it. 

And the beauty of it - that it was so much bigger than me, of what I could imagine, or create - it cracked my heart open. 

To be honest, I am not sure what the point of this text is. I know I wish to share it with you. I know there is the message of how little we actually need to do what we do, how supported we all are and how life is magical in ways we are learning to see. I know there is a desire to share with all the younger colleagues in my practice how incredible it is to learn the best we can the skills and tools, but how at the end of the day, we are more than enough exactly as we are. 

We don’t need fancy DJ equipment to support people to feel the connection. I also know there is immense gratitude for the experience of how much help and support there is in my life, how none of this, of my work and my path would not be possible without so many incredible people around me, in this case starting with my dear friend and colleague Anna, our teachers Ya’Acov and Susannah training us so well, and so many other people in that space supporting our work. And I know I am in the place of being curious to discover more - layers, tastes and textures in my perception of the world, because I sense I am only at the beginning.

And for the other reasons… I am happy to leave it to the Mystery.